Now I realize that TheMonk and Swee’Pea have many years before they start thinking about who they will marry. But I have given this some thought and I think it might be best if I choose who they marry. After all, I have many years of experience that I can put to use. I can think beyond hormonal attraction and look at extremely important factors that otherwise might be overlooked. In-laws, for example. Not enough attention is given to possible in-laws when deciding whether one should get hitched. I think it’s only fair that I have some say in my in-laws – The same people I may someday share Thanksgiving dinner with and discuss politics, and child-rearing dos and don’ts (wait, that’s just my family?).
So, to expedite the search I have decided to start a list of possible suitors for TheMonk and Swee’Pea. And since my wife and I met via the internet, I see no reason why we can’t find TheMonk and Swee’Pea life-long partners out in cyberspace. With this in mind, I have been scouting the blogosphere and I have come up with some possible candidates. Now, I do have some basic requirements. First, they can’t be considerably older. No Mrs. Robinsons or Harrison Fords in my family. Second, I have to like the prospect’s parents. Were you not listening earlier? This is really my underlying motive but if the kids get a great spouse out of this, then so much the better. Third, well I don’t have a third. So, here are my list of candidates along with the Pros and Cons of a possible marriage…
Brayden and Baylee
Pros: Amy is funny, into education (so her kids won’t be dumb) and Daddy dabbles as a professional poker player when he’s not selling cars. They definitely fit my requirements of cool parents. Little Brayden is a fighter and Baylee is just as sweet as can be.
Cons: Daddy dabbles as a professional poker player. Not that I have anything against playing poker, it’s just that I envision myself losing lots of money each Thanksgiving. Distance from where we live is also a concern. But what’s a Daddy to do? Sometimes we do crazy things for love.
Now, technically I have already promised Amy, Brayden and Baylee’s mommy, that TheMonk and Swee’Pea will one day marry her cute kids. But just in case Amy wimps out and refuses to follow through on our little deal, I have some equally promising candidates… Not all are twins so I have separated them into prospects for both TheMonk and Bri.
TheMonk’s prospects
The Peanut
Pros: Definitely cool in-law potential. The Peanut and TheMonk would make a really cute couple. We’d always have a reason to go to NYC and since MD knows all the great restaurants, we’d eat really, really well.
Cons: We’d never see TheMonk again. No doubt he’d be living the high life in NYC while hanging out with MetroDad and the Boss Lady and vaguely remembering that he has real parents 3,000 miles away. Not to mention all of the cool pop culture references that would go straight over my head when hanging out with MD.
Leta Armstrong
Pros: My son would be married to blogging royalty. I mean, Heather would have to blogroll me then, right? Oh, and c’mon, holiday dinners would be sooooo interesting.
Cons: My son would start a blog that would make fun of his old man. I’d be the “Grand Poobah of the Y*M*C*A” or something like that. He’d live in Utah and the only reason I’ve been to Utah is because it was in the way on the way to Colorado.
Sweet Juniper
Pros: Really cute grandkids. Also, both Dutch and Wood have definite cool in-law vibes. They are both smart, witty and great writers. It would be fun to just hang out and drink coffee with Wood or talk music with Dutch.
Cons: I get the feeling we’d be eating tofurkey for Thanksgiving. Not to mention the grandkids would be confused when they received wooden cars lovingly carved by a guatamalan elder from Grandpa Dutch and the latest remote control car made in Taiwan from Grandpa Matthew. Plus, I’d never hear the end of it that I once thought Dutch & Wood were a gay couple raising their daughter in San Francisco.
Bah-bie
Pros: Bah-bie is going to be the most well-adjusted, in-touch-with-her-feelings girl ever. She’s super cute and she lives within driving distance. I’ve seen what MIM and her husband look like. Let’s just say the gene pool on that side of the family will more than make up for any deficiences that I contributed to the grandkid milkshake.
Cons: I might have to go motorcycle racing with Bah-bie’s father in some sort of male-bonding thing. That would not be a pretty sight. I don’t trust anything that doesn’t have a seatbelt and airbags.
Bri’s Prospects:
First, let me just say that no one is going to be good enough for my Swee’ Pea Swee’Pea. I don’t care how well I know you or how cool your parents are, you mess with my daughter once and you have to deal with me.
Okay, now that I have pledged my fatherly duty, here’s a list of possible contenders…
Albert
Pros: Albert’s dad is in the music industry. Swee’Pea already has the talent to go far in show business and she could use a good manager. And since Albert’s dad and I have actually become blogging buddies, this would just be another excuse to get together and play golf.
Cons: Apparently Albert likes to put his hands in places one shouldn’t ever put hands. It makes me a little concerned for his future.
Lil’ Dubya
Pros: Well, there’s Mrs. Dubya to keep Big Dubya in line. I can appreciate a strong mommy type. Big Dubya was in the Army so Lil’ Dubya will know all about hard work and dedication.
Cons: Grandpa Dubya is in the non-profit field just like myself. That means a life of poverty and lots of school loans for the newlyweds. Apparently, Big Dubya’s still got all his hair. ‘Nuff said.
Daniel
Pros: Let’s see, the boys got a Caucasian father and a Mexican mother. Hmmm. That sounds familiar. Also, Sweden looks like a fantastic place to visit.
Cons: Well, Sweden does look fantastic but it’s a long frickin’ way from California. Also, I have a feeling AD would be dragging my butt up some mountain on a 21-speed mountain bike or hiking through fjords in the dead of winter.
So, those are the early contenders. I realize I may have left some worthy suitors off my current list. Now, if you feel like your kid is worthy of an arranged marriage with TheMonk or Swee’Pea, I would certainly entertain any offers. Just submit your resume and your family history in the comments section and I will consider all offers.