I am not a parent. I’m an aspiring parent, but not yet submerged in the “always thinking about the welfare of a child” mode. This weekend my 11-year old niece is visting us from Colorado. Already, I’m realizing how much things are going to change once I have kids of my own. Here are a few things I’ve realized in the 36 hours I’ve spend with my niece:

1) There is no such thing as “sleeping in” for an 11-year old.

2) Kids like to eat at appropriate times. There is a “breakfast time” a “lunch time” and a “dinner time.”

3) Watching TV is a lot harder when you have to monitor the shows for content not suitable for an 11-year old (besides, it’s not my place to discuss homosexuals with my 11-year old niece – we’ll leave that to her Dad).

4) The Disney channel has really corny movies.

5) Before she goes running off to the water at the beach is when we should have the talk about beach safety.

6) Bed time is REALLY early (which is why dinner at 6:00 p.m. instead of 8:00 p.m. is a good idea).

7) It’s much easier to be a cool uncle than a cool dad (I can’t take my own kids to Krispy Kreme for breakfast, but with my niece it’s okay).

Having an 11-year old is nice when you need help bringing in the groceries or cooking dinner.

9) 11-year old’s are more astute than I realized (“Aunt Andrea’s going to take a nap when we get home from the beach, isn’t she” Why yes, she is).

10) Kids always remind you that you have ice cream in the freezer.

At the Y I work at, we have water aerobics that is popular with our Senior members. Recently the instructor purchased new music because they were getting tired of the same old music.

I gotta tell you. It’s pretty funny to watch a bunch of 70-year olds dancing in the water to “Who let the dogs out”

Who let the dogs out Woof, Woof, Woof, Woof-woof!

Today is my birthday. It was a great day – one of those, “I get to do whatever I want because today is my birthday” days. I slept into 11:00 a.m.! I can’t remember the last time I did that. I then watched the San Francisco Giants claw their way to another victory. My wife then took me to see Halle Berry in Catwoman (MEOW!) and then we had a nice dinner at Johnny Carinos. After that we came home and watch Trading Spaces while many gifts were bestowed upon me. My wife, Andrea, gave me a jigsaw, a personal electric grooming kit, and Avril Levigne’s latest CD (all by request). My cat, Nutmeg, gave me a long snuggle on my chest while I watched Trading Spaces (completely on her own – you can’t ask a cat to do that).

If only every day could be so good.

I was elected to my Homeowners Association Board today. I am also, in what my wife (our household keeper of the budget) would consider a cruel twist of irony, the treasurer. That’s right, I’m in charge of the money. However, it’s only for a year. We can’t go bankrupt in a year, right

So, I’m driving down the street along side another car when I casually look over at the driver.  The driver is dressed in a big curly red wig, has a really white face with red lips and a big red nose. 
 
I’m assuming he wasn’t yet wearing his big floppy shoes.

It’s only a matter of time.  I’m losing my hair.  My temples have been receding for quite some time now and they’ve almost met, leaving a small patch of hair in front.  I have been anticipating this for quite some time and I’ve come to terms with it.  I’m actually looking forward to the day when I can take some shears and just cut every hair on my head to an eighth of an inch.  I have been slowly getting my hair cut closer and closer and now it’s about 3/4 of an inch.  The thing that bugs me is that every hair stylest I go to is eager to share how I can save my hair.  First, it was about special shampoos.  Then it was pharmaceuticals.  Today the man told me to only wash my hair twice a week.  I responded that I think genetics might play a bigger role than any shampoo.  I added, “besides, once it really goes, I’ll shave it close and I won’t have any need for you.”
 
He cut my hair in silence after that.

  Seen at the Cold Stone Creamery in Mission Beach, San Diego.
  
 

Words to live by

So, I’m driving to work this morning and I’m closely following a small pickup truck that is obviously involved in the construction industry.  I’m listening to the morning radio show and thinking about my day ahead when the passenger in the truck catches my eye.  I glance over to see him leaning his head out the window and before I could even guess what he was doing, I saw it.  A reddish, chunky stream of vomit came spewing out of his mouth.  I hit the brakes to avoid the splatter and thought that was the end of it – but it wasn’t.  He vomited twice more within the next 30 – 60 seconds.  Finally, we were separated as we got on the on-ramp to the freeway.  Interesting that the driver of the truck never slowed or, it seemed, even turned his head toward his hurling friend. 
 
There are ought to be a bumper sticker that reads, “I brake for vomit.”

I have a new phone – from Verizon Wireless – that my new place of employment gave me. My last phone was a Nextel and I mastered it within a day or so. It’s been two and a half weeks and I still don’t know how to use my phone. I try to answer my phone and I end up pushing buttons that send the calls to voice mail. It took me a week to figure out how to ACCESS my voice mail. The display now has two icons on there that weren’t there a week ago and I have no idea what they mean. On top of that, all of the ring tones are so wimpy that I can’t hear them in the car when the window is rolled down. Don’t they make normal rings anymore

Perhaps I should sit down and actually read the manual.

What did people do before cell phones I’ll tell you one thing that didn’t happen. Wives didn’t get upset at husbands because they didn’t call to tell them they were stuck in traffic.