I have a Treo cell phone/PDA that I can check my email on, balance my checkbook, take pictures and video with and generally manage my entire life. My carrier is Verizon Wireless and I subscribe to a “Thought of the Day” that is text messaged to my phone each morning at 9:00 a.m. These thoughts vary from random to absurd. For example, I have learned that only 21% of all couples have separate checking accounts (My wife and I fall into this minority.), that the average person falls asleep in seven minutes and that the risk of having a heart attack is 50% higher on a Monday than any other day of the week.

This week I got a message that hit a little closer to home…

V. THOUGHT: DO YOU KNOW WHAT A BLOG IS In early 2005, 62 percent of Americans had no idea, according to Pew Internet & American Life Project.

How sad and empty those lives must be.

If your daughter is enjoying herself in her crib in the early morning, cooing and talking quietly to herself, it’s probably not a good idea to pop your head up over the top of the crib and say in a loud, cheerful voice “GOOD MORNING!”

I scared the living crap (literally, it seems) out of Swee’Pea doing this.

Sorry, Sweetie. It won’t happen again.

After last week’s outing with the babies, I felt a sudden sense of empowerment. So much so that I started thinking of the next challenge. What could I possibly do that would test my skills in a way that going out with my wife and two babies couldn’t? The answer was simple.

I must venture out with the twins… All… by… my… self.

I had kicked the idea around all week but by Saturday morning, I had made up my mind. This was the day. I had to get out to get Andrea a birthday gift and somehow leaving the babies with Andrea while I was cruising the mall did not seem like such a “happy birthday” gesture. So, I announced to Andrea that I was taking the babies shopping that day. She looked at me to see if I was serious (for some reason the woman doesn’t take every word out of my mouth seriously. I don’t understand why) and after deciding I was indeed serious got a half smile on her face. The look basically said, “I-hear-what-you’re-saying-and-now-I’m-deciding-if-that’s-such-a-good-idea. I-see-that you’re- excited-about-this-so-how-can-I-say-no? Even-though-I-really-want-to.”

So a half hour later I finally convinced Andrea that I was ready for this challenge and I immediately put my plan into action. My plan? To pack anything I could possibly need into the trunk of our car (except the babies, they won’t fit in the trunk). This included, our deluxe Graco DuoGlider Travel System stroller, a cheap umbrella stroller, a Snugli (with the thought I might want to put one in the Snugli and the other in the umbrella stroller), my diaper bag filled with all of the necessary items (including about 20 diapers because you never know when your kids are going to want to go bar hopping and need to pee every 10 minutes), our new bottle holder/feeder and a few toys. Once I was packed, we changed the babies into cute outfits and put them in their infant car seats. Before you knew it, I was backing down the driveway while Andrea, I’m sure, danced around an empty house for the first time in months.

I headed for Babies-R-Us because Andrea has hinted about wanting a stroller cover so the babies can be strolled without burning their sensitive little skin. The weather has been hot here and this day was no exception – about 90 degrees – so I blasted the air conditioner as we headed toward the highway. I rode away with a giddiness that lasted approximately two blocks when I realized the sun was shining directly on the babies through the back window. I pulled over, ran around to both sides to adjust their sun screens, and, satisfied they would not burn to a crisp on my watch, once again took off.

After arriving at Babies-R-(All-Around)-Us, I put TheMonk in the Snugli and carried Swee’Pea’s infant carrier over to a cart and locked it into the front part of the cart. Once in the store I browsed the store looking for reasons to spend money on things the babies probably don’t need. Not being too inspired, I settled on new sun shades and mirrors for the car and picked up the stroller cover Andrea wanted. While traversing through the store I began to notice that I was being watched. Not only was I being watched, I was getting serious smiles from all of the mothers around me as they realized that I had two babies with no maternal unit close by. I started to smile back and nod, as if to say, “Yeah ladies, can your husband do this?”

By the time I left the store, I was puffing up with pride. I could do no wrong! I’m Super Dad!

That feeling lasted exactly 30 seconds as I had trouble extracting TheMonk from the Snugli and wound up with the Snugli wrapped around my head in the middle of the Babies-R-(Going-to-Get)-Us parking lot. I got into the car and realized how warm it was about the same time the babies did. They began to cry as I cranked the AC and began singing any song that came into my mind. For some reason, they didn’t respond to my stirring rendition of Hoobastank’s “The Reason” (I’m not a perfect person…) so I began the empathizing soothing chant, “I know… I knoooooooow… We’re almost there… We’re almost theeeeeeere, babies.” This was equally ineffective but allowed me the satisfaction that I was trying to do something even if it was really no help at all.

Somehow, we managed to get to the shopping mall without any of us melting. I kept the AC blasting as I got out of the car and set up the stroller faster than a NASCAR pit crew. I began throwing everything I could see into the holding area of the stroller. Before you knew it, I had the manly diaper backpack strapped to my back with both babies snapped into the stroller. We were off.

I made a beeline to the Barnes and Noble book store where I perused children’s books. The book store, apparently, is where lots of mommies take their kids and then sit around striking up conversations with any adult that happens to pass by. It is here, I am told for the first time, “You’re a brave man!” I smile and thank them but inside I’m thinking “Damn straight, lady.”

Anyway, it is about this time that TheMonk begins to cry. I pull him out of his infant carrier and put him on my hip. I hold him while I look at books and then push the big stroller with my books perched precariously on top towards the front of the store. Here I notice a big comfy chair not being used so I plop TheMonk down and quickly don the Snugli. I put TheMonk in here and proceed to the checkout. I pay for my purchases and head out to look for a Hallmark store. It is now that I begin to pass numerous parents pushing strollers. As I pass one couple with their baby in a stroller I can see in their faces the instant both realize I have twins with me. As we pass, I see the father shake his head vigorously back and forth as we pass. I imagine him thinking that his wife will be sure to mention this the next time he doesn’t want to take their baby out alone.

I find the Hallmark store and get cards from both me and the babies. It is now that Swee’Pea starts to cry and no amount of consoling soothes her. I pay for the cards as the cashier tells me that I “have my hands full.” I smile a slightly frazzled smile thinking we might have to call it a day. But, I discover that Swee’Pea just wants to keep moving and as soon as I start pushing the stroller with gusto, she quiets down. Next we head to Bath and Body Works for Andrea’s favorite lotions. The AC in the store is broken and we all begin to sweat profusely. I am flustered when I realize that Andrea’s favorite scented lotion is no longer being sold. Where’s Juniper Breeze, for cryin’ out loud?! I start to panic. The old standby, where is it?! Ohmygod, what do I do? But then I pull it together, find something that I think smells nice and go to purchase it. Again, everyone tells me how brave I am. TheMonk and Swee’Pea are both alert and awake at this point so they do their best to impress. Since I’m the only man in the store, all the women gather around and coo about how cute they are. I’m thinking they’re going to have to sign autographs just to get out of there but soon the crowd dissapates and we leave and head straight for the food court.

Once at the food court I order a burger and fries and start getting the babies ready to feed. I hook up the bottle holder to TheMonk’s carrier, take him out of the Snugli and place him in his carrier while it’s in the stroller. I insert the bottle and he starts going to town. I place Swee’Pea’s baby carrier on the table with me and feed her with one hand while eating with the other. It’s far simpler than I imagined and before I know it, we’re done and ready to go.

Before we leave I have to use the rest room and the babies need changing. I head to the restrooms where I find a great diaper changing station complete with sink outside the rest room area. I change both of them with only a little fussing and get them back into their carrier. Once I’ve reassembled everything we head out. I’m about half way to the car when I realize that I never did go to the restroom. Damn. Oh well, it’s probably better that I didn’t try this time.

Once at the car, I pull the stroller along side the car, jump in and start the engine and blast the AC, hoping to get the car cooled down for the ride home. In the meantime I unload the stroller of everything but the babies. The parking lot is crowded, and about this time a woman pulls up and is obviously waiting for my spot. Her window is rolled down and once I realized she was waiting for me I told her, “I’m probably going to be here a little while,” while pointing at the stroller. She replied, “Oh, I didn’t see the stroller” and she pulled away.

Having bought myself some time, I pull the babies out and put them in their car seat bases and make sure their harnesses are secure. Once the babies are in, I return my attention to the stroller. The stroller is huge and takes up almost the entire trunk space. I realize I have not left myself enough room in the trunk with all of my purchases so I have to rearrange the goods to get the stroller in. Finally, about 10 minutes after arriving at the car I am pulling out of the space and heading for home.

The AC has not sufficiently cooled the car down and about half way home the babies start to cry – in unison. The day is breaking down. DAMN YOU HOT WEATHER! The smart thing is to take them directly home and declare victory. But I’m still reveling in my Super Dad status so I push the envelope. I decide to stop off and pick up the clay imprints of TheMonk and Swee’Pea’s hands and feet we made at the do-it-yourself ceramic pottery place. Andrea will love it if she gets these on her birthday. I’ll just run in and out. I’ll be really quick.

Uh, yeah. Good plan except the closest parking spot is about a quarter mile away. I don’t care. I’m on a mission and if that means treking across the hot, sunbaked parking lot with an infant carrier dangling from each arm, then so be it. As I cross the parking lot, I can feel both arms getting longer. I picture my knuckles dragging along the ground after I put the babies down but I see I’m getting close. My arms also begin to burn. I make a mental note to check into these steroids everyone’s talking about. Ignoring the pain, I bear down and make it to the door. Once inside I carefully make my way to the back where the cashier is. The place is obviously not designed to accomodate one man carrying two baby carriers and I bonk TheMonk’s carrier (or was it Bri’s) on each table as I go by. I get to the back where I tell the young worker why I’m there and she gets out our plates.

Plates in hand, I realize I don’t have anyplace to put the plates. So, I ask TheMonk to hold onto them and tuck them into his carrier. He doesn’t seem to mind. We head back across the Sahara parking lot where I get one more “Wow, you got your hands full” before I get into the car with the babies. It’s only 10 minutes to home but they cry the whole way. Once again, my singing ability is woefully inadequate and not even a duet with me and Kelly Clarkson singing “Behind these Hazel Eyes” calms them down. No matter because we finally pull into our driveway. I am home three and a half hours after beginning the trip.

I pull the babies from the car and carry them inside. I am greeted by my wife Andrea.

“So, how’d it go” she asks.

“Piece of cake.” I reply

• Martin Luther King, Jr. delivered his “I have a dream” speech on August 28, 1963.
• Prince Charles and Princess Diana divorced on August 28, 1996.
• Shania Twain, Jason Priestly and LeAnn Rimes were all born on August 28th.

But the best thing ever to happen on August 28th was certainly the birth of my wife, Andrea.

Andrea you came into this earth smaller than the palm of my hand and fought like hell just to be here. That fighting spirit has carried you far and I hope our children have your work ethic and desire to succeed. Thank you for being such a wonderful wife and mother!

Happy Birthday Sweetie, I love you!

• Sleep deprivation is a really effective means of torture
• Velcro on diapers rank with one of the greatest innovations ever
• Bottle warmers are a complete waste of time
• The quickest way to tell if it’s time for a diaper change is to smell the babies’ backside
• My wife is a much deeper sleeper than I thought she was
• Babies really don’t like it when you suction out their nose
• Babies won’t accept $20, $50 or even $100 to just… stop… crying
• Dinner time is whenever we find time to shove something down our throats
• Anything that can be heated in the microwave is my new favorite food
• When you “burp” a baby, the gas doesn’t always come out of the mouth
• 1 out of every 10 people who learn I have boy/girl twins ask if they’re identical
• There isn’t a Human Resources person out there that really understands the Family Medical Leave Act.
• More women smile at you when you have a baby strapped to your chest.
• If you wipe down a baby with a damp washcloth and then slather scented baby lotion on, everyone will think your baby just had a bath.
• Don’t say anything you don’t want the neighborhood to know in front of the baby monitor.
• Sometimes it takes having twins to finally meet your neighbors
• I still have no desire to taste the breast milk
• Going to the bathroom requires more advanced planning than it used to
• Our parents call a lot more now that we have given them grandchildren
• Eventually, even the cat will adjust to having twins

Okay fellow parents, what have you learned

This is a tale of twins – a boy and a girl of five or six. Worried that the twins had developed extreme personalities — one was a total pessimist, the other a total optimist — their parents took them to a psychiatrist.

First the psychiatrist treated the boy – the pessimist. Trying to brighten his outlook, the psychiatrist took him to a room piled to the ceiling with brand-new toys. But instead of yelping with delight, the little boy burst into tears. “What’s the matter” the psychiatrist asked, baffled. “Don’t you want to play with any of the toys” “Yes,” the little boy bawled, “but if I did I’d only break them.”

Next the psychiatrist treated the girl – the optimist. Trying to dampen her outlook, the psychiatrist took her to a room piled to the ceiling with horse manure. But instead of wrinkling her nose in disgust, the optimist emitted just the yelp of delight the psychiatrist had been hoping to hear from her brother, the pessimist. Then she clambered to the top of the pile, dropped to her knees, and began gleefully digging out scoop after scoop with her bare hands. “What do you think you’re doing” the psychiatrist asked, just as baffled by the optimist as he had been by the pessimist. “With all this manure,” the little girl replied, beaming, “there must be a pony in here somewhere!”

__________________________________________________

Every time I spend time with my daughter Swee’Pea, I’m reminded of this joke. While I’m not quite ready to brand TheMonk a pessimist (although he sure can be grumpy), Swee’Pea, in her 11 short weeks on this earth has shown that she is one happy baby. Since she has begun to smile over the past few weeks, the girl smiles all of the time. She smiles while getting her diaper changed, she smiles while taking a bath, she smiles while feeding (which isn’t good because it’s darn near impossible to suck on a bottle and smile at the same time), and I have even seen her smile in her sleep. Her smiles melt my heart and we love to engage in smile play where she coos and smiles while I talk and smile right back. I love that time with her. It’s moments like those that I feel like we’re really connecting.

So, Swee’Pea, keep smiling that adorable smile baby girl. It looks good on you.

However, I do have some bad news.

Sorry, but you’re not getting a pony.

My wife and I finally got our act together enough to watch one of the Netflix movies that’s been sitting around the house this weekend. The movie, Love Actually, chronicles 10 love relationships leading up to the holiday season. The 10 different couples all are intertwined in each other’s lives in one way or another. The film stars Hugh Grant and Liam Neeson, among others and I thoroughly enjoyed it.

The best of the 10 relationship stories that we follow, in my opinion, was that Sam. Sam is an 11 year old boy whose mother has recently passed away. He is now being raised by his step father (played by Liam Neeson) who grows concerned over his son’s reaction to his mother’s death. Sam spends much of his time in his room and when he comes out he’s visibly upset and has been crying. The stepfather finally talks to Sam about his obvious difficult time adjusting to his mother’s death where he finds out that Sam is not grieving over his mother. He’s agonizing over unrequited love. The object of his affection is a girl at his school who is the most popular girl and, sadly, does not even know Sam exists. Well, through the encouragement of his father, Sam develops a far-fetched plan to win over the girl’s heart. There is a very touching scene of Sam and father talking about love as they listen to a sappy love song. Ultimately, Sam’s brilliant plan does not work and the girl is leaving the country that night. The Stepfather, not wanting to see his son devastated, encourages him by racing him to the airport, helping him elude airport security so Sam can finally get the girl.

This got me thinking about the relationship I want to have with my son. I’m certain I want no part of the stereotypical father-son relationship where we talk about sports and nothing else. This movie hit home because I believe in the power of love. I believe in hugs and kisses and public displays of affection. I believe in never wasting an opportunity to say ‘I love you.’ I believe that love should be expressed, not hidden. So when it comes to raising my son and teaching him of the concept of love, I have lofty expectations of myself and of him.

To my son Jonathan, I pledge the following:

Jonathan, I want you to see the expression of love as a powerful gift that should not, indeed cannot, be bound by societal norms and male stereotypes. Love is bigger than all of us and well worth the risk. In fact, I want to show you that risking heartbreak is worth it when that love is finally returned and that the only thing worse than heartbreak is regret. I’ll be there to share in your joy of first loves and I’ll be there to support you when you experience your first heart break. I also want you to know that love doesn’t have to be serious. I want you to see that it’s okay to be silly in the name of love. Love loudly! Love goofily! Love like no one is watching! And as you grow and learn about this love thing, I’ll be there encouraging you… to ask the girl next door to the prom, to thank the girl who left home-made cookies on our doorstep, and to treat all women in your life, your mother, your sister and your lover with the utmost respect.

And last, but not least, if you ever need to race to the airport, I’m your man.

I love you son.

Andrea had not seen the sky for over two weeks so we were determined to get out this weekend. Prior to having babies, getting out was nothing. We’d decide what we wanted to do, dress in the appropriate clothing, get in the car and leave.

A timeline of our Pre-babies weekend outings…

Saturday
9:00 a.m.: Matthew wakes up and surfs internet or reads paper
10:00 – 10:30 a.m.: Andrea awakens and comes out to join Matthew
11:00 a.m.: Breakfast is had.
11:30 a.m.: Andrea announces she’d like to go running along the beach
12:00 p.m.: Dressed, we head out of the house.
12:30 p.m.: Arrive at beach and go running
3:00 p.m.: Return home after a leisurely run and perhaps stopping to get some lunch.

Now, things are a bit more complicated. Leaving the house is on par with planning a full-scale invasion. Supplies are garnered, contingency plans are made and mental preparation is paramount.

Our current timeline…

Wednesday
Andrea announces she needs to get out this weekend. Matthew whimpers and begins the tough mental preparation needed to accomplish this goal.

Thursday
Andrea has not budged on her commitment to get out and see the world. Matthew offers to order more travel movies from Netflix. Andrea is undeterred.

Friday
Andrea starts to worry that Matthew is not taking her seriously. Matthew, realizing we really are going to have to leave the house with two infants, realizes that there’s no escape – Operation Free Mommy is a go. We decide we want to go to the beach and walk along the Pacific Ocean. How will we do this In strollers or in their Snugli baby packs We decide on the Snuglis. We also decide to launch the operation from a location closer to the beach in question. Matthew is dog sitting this weekend for good friends Chris and Kristie who happen to live much closer to the beach. We decide we will head there, re-assess our situation and, if all systems are go, head out from there.

Saturday
Matthew returns from his morning walk of Chris and Kristie’s dog at 9:30 a.m. Preparations begin for a 2:00 p.m. departure. Preparations included:

• Diaper bag is checked and re-checked. Since we have not traveled out of the house lately, it is noticed that the diapers in the bag are the newborn ones. The switch to the Size 1 diapers is made. Other items added include clean onesies and extra zip-loc bags.
• Snugli’s are brought out along with a cloth sun protector that attaches to the Snugli that my brother and his wife got us.
• We plan on being out for only one feeding and Andrea is planning on pumping at Chris and Kristie’s. I pack enough bottles for two feedings anyway. Better safe than sorry. We use the carrying cases we got from the hospital when the babies were born. I slip in the re-freezable ice and put the bottles in the pouches.
• Infant carriers are brought out and placed on the table where we will load in the babies when the time comes.

Meanwhile, the babies are fed at 11:00 a.m. and 1:30 p.m. After the second feeding, they are given a quick sponge bath and put in cute, new outfits that we had better put on them soon or they will be too small in another month. They are so cute, we take a couple of pics of them as the babies are in a good mood. By this time Andrea has already pumped and we’re ready to go. It still takes another 1/2 hour to get out the door – gear packed, babies stowed away, etc. We don’t leave until 2:45 p.m.

We arrive to walk the dog at around 3:15 p.m. Matthew feeds the cats and takes Jake the dog out to while Andrea sets up shop. When I return around 4:00 p.m., Andrea is looking at me like I’m in deep trouble as the babies are screaming. It turns out they want to be fed. I break out the bottles and we feed them and change them. By the time we pack up everything it is close to 5:00 p.m. We head to the beach with only a general sense of where we want to go. We decide that a quick bite to eat near the beach and a short walk along the beach will be all we can handle. We decide on a place mainly because they have free parking. We put on our Snugli’s, pull the sleeping babies out of their infant car seats and put them in the pouches on our chest. We then proceed to the restaurant.

The babies are a big hit. I’ve seen celebrities with a lower profile than our twins. Everyone in the restaurant has an interest in the babies. Questions abound: Are they twins Two Boys Two Girls Both! How old are they

We order our food and manage to eat without spilling anything major on their heads. Towards the end of the meal, it appears the babies are getting hungry again. I head out to the car and retrieve their bottles. We feed them in the restaurants, still in their Snuglis, while finishing our fries. By the time we leave it’s about 6:30 p.m. We head to the beach where we walk for about 10 minutes, stepping past homeless people sleeping on the sidewalk. For the first time, I feel a bit protective of my babies. I hurry us past them and we end up at Cold Stone Creamery for a quick ice cream. On the way out, we are asked for forty-one cents from a guy who tells us he has 20-year old twins. I figure it’s good Karma so I give him the change in my pocket. I don’t know if it’s more than forty-one cents. He doesn’t seem to care. I can sense he feels a bond with us as we move on.

We get back to the car around 7:00 p.m. and load sleeping babies in the car. We head home and walk in the door in time to immediately feed them. After they are fed we put them to bed around 8:30 p.m. The trip must have tired them out because they didn’t fully wake up until 5:30 p.m. the next morning. That doesn’t mean we slept all that time. TheMonk woke up around 3:00 a.m. and I brought him into bed with me. Swee’Pea, however, slept all the way through. Perhaps we’re on our way to sleeping all night long.

Sunday
So, after our long day yesterday Andrea and I relaxed at home today. I did manage to mow my lawn and re-caulk the shower in our bathroom. We watched a movie and played with the babies all day long. I got lots of laughs and gave lots of kisses. A good weekend.

Operation Free Mommy was a success. Let’s hope we get a few more of these in near future.

Raising twins is challenging. I try not to look too far forward into the future because if I’m having trouble adjusting to the challenges I’m facing right now, what good will it do me to open my eyes to a whole new set of challenges I haven’t even thought about yet This philosophy of not looking too far into the future is very prevalent in sports vernacular and I have found that it helps to keep my “eye on the ball”, and to “play it one game at a time.”

That being said, every now and then I am forced to confront my eventual reality and sometimes I am left a little unsettled. For example, today I was at Starbucks and noted a mother with two children (a boy and a girl) that looked to be about five years old. The boy caught my attention as he was hanging from the area where the coffee was placed for pick-up. Then the two chased each other around the store as the mother only half-heartedly looked on. The mother looked sorely defeated. She was not just losing the battle, she had already lost the war. As I watched the two wreak havoc on the store, condemning the poor mom in my mind for her utter lack of control of the situation, I came to a startling realization…

These two kids were twins. Boy/Girl twins.

I asked the question that I already knew the answer to. “Are they twins?” I asked.

“Yes.” The younger-than-she-looked mom sighed.

“I have two-month-old boy/girl twins at home.” I said.

She then looked at me with what could only be described a mix of pity and smug satisfaction and replied, “Good luck.”

I laughed a nervous laugh and she looked me in the eye and said, in a way that left little doubt as to the meaning behind her words, “They start Kindergarten next week.”

For the first time, she smiled.

As I watched the twins continue to run around the store I tried injecting some humor into the situation by commenting, “Yeah, I’m counting my blessings that the babies can’t yet walk or talk.”

With that, in one swoop she picked up her coffee, corralled the kids as they ran by and, as she ushered them out the nearby door replied, “You should be.”

There’s also a sports saying that came to mind as she left.

“Sucker Punched.”

• You can tell the difference between breast milk and formula at a glance
• The trading deadline passed and you have no idea who your team got
• You walk around with vomit on you, only this time you’re sober
• You?ve shown up at work with slacks but no belt
• You leave the house forgetting a major step in your grooming regimen
• You?ve become a little too familiar with the nuances of Closed Caption TV
• You know the differences between Target and Wal-mart’s baby sections
• You have a million pics of the kids but only five have you in the photo
• You now get more baby magazines than sporting magazines
• One of your Firefox Mozilla startup tabs is BabyCenter.com
• You go around humming lullabies all day long
• You spend more money on baby stuff than electronic equipment
• You get a special glee when you?re able to buy electronic baby stuff
• Your wife whips off her shirt and you know it?s not for you
• When singing along with songs, you change the lyrics so that they are baby appropriate
• Jokes about bowl movements just aren?t as funny anymore
• Fart jokes, on the other hand, are still frickin? hilarious
• If anyone wanted to sit in the backseat of your car, they would have to sit facing the rear
• Your coffee table books now include Baby 411 and What to Expect, The First Year.
• Instead of talking sports with the guys at work, you talk about solutions to reflux with the mothers.
• You refer to yourself in the third person every where you go
• You go to work to get some much needed rest
• The phrase ?Who?s your Daddy? doesn?t mean what it used to