As a California native, I have spent a lot of time on our congested freeways. In that time, I have come to think of myself as a very good driver. Also, in that time, I have come to the conclusion that most drivers are stupid. Here are my pet peeves when it comes to stupid drivers:

1) That little stick on the left of your steering wheel – it’s called a “turn signal.” Why don’t you think about using it the next time you decide to cut in front of me.

2) Pulling up so close behind me that I can’t see your headlights is dangerous. If I didn’t pride myself on being such a good driver, I would be tempted to slam on my brakes. (“Gee officer, I thought I saw a cat dart into my path. I had to slam on my brakes.)

3) When we renew our registration each year, we are given a registration tag that differs only in year and color from the previous year’s tag. We are supposed to put the new one on top of the old one – in the upper right corner of the license plate. The upper left corner is reserved for the sticker that tells us what month your registration expires. There’s even instructions that come with the sticker for those too stupid to figure it out. At least once a day I see last year’s tag on the upper right corner of the license plate and this year’s tag on the upper left corner of the plate – covering the month tag. The CHP should pull you over and ticket you for being a moron.

4) If you insist on talking on your cell phone, please do it in the far right hand lane where the danger of killing someone else (namely me) is minimal. Slowing down to 50 mph and swerving within your lane doesn’t make anyone feel good about being near you.

5) Finally, if you are about to miss your exit and are doing 85 on the freeway, acknowledge your fuck-up and exit at the next exit instead of cutting across 4 lanes of traffic. We sane drivers appreciate it when we know where you crazy people are at all times.