Upon my return to work after spending five weeks on paternity leave, I have found that my communication skills have changed slightly. This, I guess, is to be expected when your main conversations are one-sided and are with two 5-month-old babies.

Here are some examples:

Praising an Employee
Pre-Paternity Leave: “Thank you for doing such a great job on that project Darlene. I appreciate the work you did.”
Post-Paternity Leave: “What a good girl you are, Darlene! Yes you are! Yes you are a good girl!”

Reprimanding an Employee
Pre-Paternity Leave: “I know you didn’t mean to make a mistake and I appreciate your effort but please don’t let that happen again. If this problem continues you will be disciplined accordingly. Do you understand?”
Post-Paternity Leave: “Ah, Ah, Aaaaah. Nooooo. Stop that please. Ohh, stop your crying. There’s no need to cry! Here, have your binky.”

Greeting a co-worker
Pre-Paternity Leave: “Hi Jim. How ya doin’?”
Post-Paternity Leave: “Hey Chunky Monk! How’s my Chunky Monkey?”

Reacting to Bodily Functions
Pre-Paternity Leave: Be slightly embarrased for co-worker but say nothing
Post-Paternity Leave: “Who farted?! Did you lay a froggy?! Was that you, ‘Lil Stinker?!”

Perhaps this style will catch on. I can see it now. I’ll write my book based on “Nurture-based Management” and tour the country giving speeches to Fortune 500 companies. Email me if you’d like to book me in advance.