We got our first Holiday Letter yesterday in the mail. In this spirit, I decided to write my own.

December 2005

Dear Family, Friends, and People We Never Talk To But Get This Letter Every Year,

This was a banner year in the Childsplay household. It was particularly productive for Andrea. Not only was she nominated for a Nobel Peace Prize for her stellar work with disabled children, she also managed to produce a litter of kids for us! And just recently she was voted Working Mother of the Year by AMAWMM (All Mothers Are Working Mothers, Moron) for her dedication to pumping breast milk while co-workers on the other side of the door know exactly what she’s doing.

Yes you read that right. We have kids now! Someone actually thought it was a good idea for us to procreate. On June 12th of 2005, Andrea produced TheMonk and Swee’Pea. TheMonk came out speaking in full sentences and can already do complex math equations with one hand while popping his binky in and out of his mouth with the other. He also has a fantastically large head (75th percentile!) to house that massive brain of his. Swee’Pea is quite the singer and is getting ready to produce her first album. It’s working title is “Bri: As Loud As I Wanna Be.” It should hit stores sometime in the spring. And, in a sign of things to come, her latest trick is to shake her head side to side whenever I ask her a question (I told her to remember this when boys start to become interested in her).

Nutmeg the cat continues to produce memorable moments for all of us. Who can forget the time she laid in the same spot for 14 straight hours?! How about the time she deposited a hairball on the living room rug? Her latest talent is to sprawl out on the exact chair that you were planning to sit on and look so cute you find another chair. She also likes to sit in window sills and look out onto the street. It was doing this that lead her to be “discovered” by a high-ranking advertising executive who happened to be driving by. I’m proud to announce that Nutmeg will be the new face of “Sugar Frosted Flakes” as, sadly, it seems Tony the Tiger was caught taking steroids to fill out his aging frame and was quietly forced into retirement. I hear he’s planning a tell-all book about the steroid use of other cartoon ad salesmen (I mean, c’mon, did you think the Jolly Green Giant got that big by eating vegetables?).

As for me? Well, I’ve been employed in one job for over 3 years now! I know, it’s a record for me but if you know my mother (Hi Mom!) she wasn’t exactly the role model for staying with one career. In another first, I did not receive one single indictment this year! However, I am contemplating a political career in the future so I might need to work on that to fit in here in beautiful San Diego. On a personal note, my blog (some of you may read it, but judging from my comments, I’d never actually know if you did) was voted the Best Darn Daddy Blog that Features Two Baby Rhinos at the Annual Bloggies. It was a close vote as there were many deserving blogs in my category (as I’m sure you can imagine). But that’s what having access to a computer lab with multiple IP addresses can do for you! And finally, dear family, friends and people we never talk to but get this letter every year, my health has been good – unless you count the flu bug I got this year. Boy, I thought I coughed up a lung! But the doctor assures me that my lung would be pinkish-red and that the huge yellowy mass I did cough up was just a lot of mucus. I’m not so convinced.

Well that’s it from out here in Sunny California (where, by the way, it’s been in the low 70′s this Christmas Season). I hope you’re keeping warm and dry wherever you are!

Happy Holidays and have a fantastically stupendous 2006!

The Childsplayx2 Family (Andrea, Matthew, TheMonk and Bri).