Arranged Marriages
Now I realize that TheMonk and Swee’Pea have many years before they start thinking about who they will marry. But I have given this some thought and I think it might be best if I choose who they marry. After all, I have many years of experience that I can put to use. I can think beyond hormonal attraction and look at extremely important factors that otherwise might be overlooked. In-laws, for example. Not enough attention is given to possible in-laws when deciding whether one should get hitched. I think it’s only fair that I have some say in my in-laws – The same people I may someday share Thanksgiving dinner with and discuss politics, and child-rearing dos and don’ts (wait, that’s just my family?).
So, to expedite the search I have decided to start a list of possible suitors for TheMonk and Swee’Pea. And since my wife and I met via the internet, I see no reason why we can’t find TheMonk and Swee’Pea life-long partners out in cyberspace. With this in mind, I have been scouting the blogosphere and I have come up with some possible candidates. Now, I do have some basic requirements. First, they can’t be considerably older. No Mrs. Robinsons or Harrison Fords in my family. Second, I have to like the prospect’s parents. Were you not listening earlier? This is really my underlying motive but if the kids get a great spouse out of this, then so much the better. Third, well I don’t have a third. So, here are my list of candidates along with the Pros and Cons of a possible marriage…
Brayden and Baylee
Pros: Amy is funny, into education (so her kids won’t be dumb) and Daddy dabbles as a professional poker player when he’s not selling cars. They definitely fit my requirements of cool parents. Little Brayden is a fighter and Baylee is just as sweet as can be.
Cons: Daddy dabbles as a professional poker player. Not that I have anything against playing poker, it’s just that I envision myself losing lots of money each Thanksgiving. Distance from where we live is also a concern. But what’s a Daddy to do? Sometimes we do crazy things for love.
Now, technically I have already promised Amy, Brayden and Baylee’s mommy, that TheMonk and Swee’Pea will one day marry her cute kids. But just in case Amy wimps out and refuses to follow through on our little deal, I have some equally promising candidates… Not all are twins so I have separated them into prospects for both TheMonk and Bri.
TheMonk’s prospects
The Peanut
Pros: Definitely cool in-law potential. The Peanut and TheMonk would make a really cute couple. We’d always have a reason to go to NYC and since MD knows all the great restaurants, we’d eat really, really well.
Cons: We’d never see TheMonk again. No doubt he’d be living the high life in NYC while hanging out with MetroDad and the Boss Lady and vaguely remembering that he has real parents 3,000 miles away. Not to mention all of the cool pop culture references that would go straight over my head when hanging out with MD.
Leta Armstrong
Pros: My son would be married to blogging royalty. I mean, Heather would have to blogroll me then, right? Oh, and c’mon, holiday dinners would be sooooo interesting.
Cons: My son would start a blog that would make fun of his old man. I’d be the “Grand Poobah of the Y*M*C*A” or something like that. He’d live in Utah and the only reason I’ve been to Utah is because it was in the way on the way to Colorado.
Sweet Juniper
Pros: Really cute grandkids. Also, both Dutch and Wood have definite cool in-law vibes. They are both smart, witty and great writers. It would be fun to just hang out and drink coffee with Wood or talk music with Dutch.
Cons: I get the feeling we’d be eating tofurkey for Thanksgiving. Not to mention the grandkids would be confused when they received wooden cars lovingly carved by a guatamalan elder from Grandpa Dutch and the latest remote control car made in Taiwan from Grandpa Matthew. Plus, I’d never hear the end of it that I once thought Dutch & Wood were a gay couple raising their daughter in San Francisco.
Bah-bie
Pros: Bah-bie is going to be the most well-adjusted, in-touch-with-her-feelings girl ever. She’s super cute and she lives within driving distance. I’ve seen what MIM and her husband look like. Let’s just say the gene pool on that side of the family will more than make up for any deficiences that I contributed to the grandkid milkshake.
Cons: I might have to go motorcycle racing with Bah-bie’s father in some sort of male-bonding thing. That would not be a pretty sight. I don’t trust anything that doesn’t have a seatbelt and airbags.
Bri’s Prospects:
First, let me just say that no one is going to be good enough for my Swee’ Pea Swee’Pea. I don’t care how well I know you or how cool your parents are, you mess with my daughter once and you have to deal with me.
Okay, now that I have pledged my fatherly duty, here’s a list of possible contenders…
Albert
Pros: Albert’s dad is in the music industry. Swee’Pea already has the talent to go far in show business and she could use a good manager. And since Albert’s dad and I have actually become blogging buddies, this would just be another excuse to get together and play golf.
Cons: Apparently Albert likes to put his hands in places one shouldn’t ever put hands. It makes me a little concerned for his future.
Lil’ Dubya
Pros: Well, there’s Mrs. Dubya to keep Big Dubya in line. I can appreciate a strong mommy type. Big Dubya was in the Army so Lil’ Dubya will know all about hard work and dedication.
Cons: Grandpa Dubya is in the non-profit field just like myself. That means a life of poverty and lots of school loans for the newlyweds. Apparently, Big Dubya’s still got all his hair. ‘Nuff said.
Daniel
Pros: Let’s see, the boys got a Caucasian father and a Mexican mother. Hmmm. That sounds familiar. Also, Sweden looks like a fantastic place to visit.
Cons: Well, Sweden does look fantastic but it’s a long frickin’ way from California. Also, I have a feeling AD would be dragging my butt up some mountain on a 21-speed mountain bike or hiking through fjords in the dead of winter.
So, those are the early contenders. I realize I may have left some worthy suitors off my current list. Now, if you feel like your kid is worthy of an arranged marriage with TheMonk or Swee’Pea, I would certainly entertain any offers. Just submit your resume and your family history in the comments section and I will consider all offers.
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We could be like Peter Falk and Alan Arkin in “The In-Laws” – how cool would that be? I, of course, would be Peter Falk – just want to make that clear.
Comment by Mr. Big Dubya — May 25, 2006 @ 5:00 am
Matthew…thanks for the morning laugh. That was one of the funniest things I’ve read in awhile! And, for the record, we’d be honored to be in-laws with you guys.
Comment by MetroDad — May 25, 2006 @ 6:17 am
They could marry The Goon Squad. I realize that they seem older now but when The Squad is 36 and JT and Bri are 35 (that’s when they are allowed to start dating, right?) it really isn’t bad.
Pros: We could have a double wedding and save a ton of money.
Crazy overprotective twin sisters would cancel each other out.
Stunning grandchildren for both of us.
We could share the 800 pictures a day that each of us would take of the aforementioned grandchildren and have 1600 pictures a day to post on the internet.
Cons: Claudia is kind of bossy.
Ian thinks peeing is really funny.
Comment by Sarah — May 25, 2006 @ 6:42 am
Well… JT could always make a go at The Peanut Butter OR (notice I said ‘OR’ and not ‘AND’) The Jelly.
Sure, they just turned 4, but there’s nothing wrong with an older woman.
Though, like you with Bri, you mess with my daughters once and you have to deal with me… and my brother the college professor (not very intimidating is it?) and my brother-in-law the former Marine (a little more intimidating)
Comment by Kemp — May 25, 2006 @ 7:25 am
Hi-larious! I was laughing the whole time I read this.
Comment by Amy — May 25, 2006 @ 7:52 am
Thank you for the morning laugh. I SO enjoyed it. I do the same things with my kids. I have children of my blog friends all picked out for my children’s future spouses. My son loves it. After all, he e-mails two girls his age already and says he’s not sure which he will marry, but he’s sure it will be one of them. He likes their curly hair. LOL My daughter has a boy e-mail pal and says she’ll marry him. I get such a kick out of it.
Comment by Julie — May 25, 2006 @ 8:18 am
at first I was going to say something along the lines of “JT had better be a gentleman” but who am I kidding? Juniper would probably corrupt HIM.
Comment by dutch from sweet juniper — May 25, 2006 @ 9:43 am
Too freaking funny. I had to pick myself off the floor before I could comment on this. Very fine choices for perspective future in-laws. I have never thought of arranged marriage before. I may need to look into it.
If you’d like another option, Nata is really a great girl. And while she is older than JT by a year, at 30 when they would be allowed to possibly date, it won’t be that big of a deal.
Comment by Melissa — May 25, 2006 @ 10:21 am
I’m impressed that you’re even allowing them to get married. My husband and I agreed that when we have kids they aren’t allowed out of the house until they are 35 and they can’t date anyone until they are 50. AND if we have a daughter, she is only allowed to marry a man who castrates himself for his religion.
So really, you’re WAY a head of the game. Excellent suitors I must say, and you have covered the Pros and Cons rather well. Good luck with that
Comment by samantha — May 25, 2006 @ 10:29 am
I could NOT stop laughing… this is the funniest post! And it’s SO TRUE!!
I can offer up Baby Boy for Bri – he is exactly two months younger than the twins, and he will be very used to dealing with “older” women (like his sister). However, I forsee than the Munchkin will need to marry an older man, so, I can’t help JT. Of course, wouldn’t it be odd for Bri to have both a husband and a brother with the same name?
I have to admit to doing this as well… and while I have seen several sweet little girls that may be potential candidates for Baby Boy in the church nursery, I have yet to find the one man for the Munchkin. It’s not that no one is good enough for her (though there is that, too) – it’s just that we’ve got to find a boy that’s able to stand up to her. So far, no luck. I think I’d better extend my search beyond the preschool crowd.
Comment by Deanna — May 25, 2006 @ 10:48 am
Wow, it seems like you have really thought this out! Are you running a twin dating service? If so, I need to find a set of girl twins for my guys (they are almost 2 1/2). They are really into rough housing, dive bombing, sword fights, kicking, poking, swatting, spiderman web shooting,etc., you get the idea. What can I say? There are a lot of rough boys and very few girls to tame them–I mean calm them down–in this family. But the twins are just the tip of the iceburg! We have a full house here, five out of six kids living with us (my husband’s other older son lives with his mother), so it would be a job to set something up for all of them.
Comment by macboudica — May 25, 2006 @ 11:54 am
If you want grandchildren, you have to let Bri marry before on the onset of menopause.
That being said I cast my vote for Daniel, the young Swedish/Mexican lad would make a wonderful husband. I have a little experience regarding Swedish men and the Viking spirit.
So, that union would make my greatgrand children 46% white, 38% Mexican, 12% African and 4% cherokee.
We could vacation in Mexico with them, I could visit Sweden again. This arranged marriage is sounding good to me.
JT and the Peanut would be a good match too. A new generation could learn to speak, Spanklish. They could boogie the night away in the city that never sleeps, we could go to the Gran Manzana a couple of times a year. Yeah! Where do we sign. If the Peanut is not interested in JT, I do have another grandson who is closer to her age.
Or, we could just let nature take its course let them find love on their own.
Comment by Grandmother — May 25, 2006 @ 1:56 pm
This was a great post! I like what Grandmother said about letting Bri marry before menopause. Sounds like me.
Comment by Chag — May 25, 2006 @ 4:04 pm
That was one of the most original and refreshing “parent’s blog” I have read in a really long while. What a great thought, the blog-o-sphere match maker. Seriously …classic.
Comment by Willaim — May 25, 2006 @ 6:15 pm
That JT is a cutie. Maybe you could show him my website and see if we’d be compatible.
Comment by Victoria — May 25, 2006 @ 8:38 pm
We were just discussing last night how it might be easier if Eli were gay. THen we wouldn’t lose him to another woman. By we, I mean just me.
I didn’t have the heart to tell Eli he didn’t make the cut here! Perhaps our next one could be a suitor. A younger man.
Comment by Meredith — May 25, 2006 @ 9:21 pm
i’ve got 4.5 month old b/g twins. we live in nyc. it’s a perfect match.
Comment by elana — May 26, 2006 @ 6:26 am
I would like to offer the hand of my just-tuned-four Little Son.
In fact, why wait? I`ll drop him off at your place later, okay?
Comment by L. — May 26, 2006 @ 11:49 am
Pablo and Mallory may be too old. They’re 2 1/2 already. But Nikki and Lexi are just 16 months? We won’t be providing much of a dowry, though!
Comment by Laura — May 27, 2006 @ 12:29 pm
Soooo, what? My kids ain’t good enough for ya? Well, Tod-lar likes older women anyway. So there.
Comment by MIM — May 27, 2006 @ 2:19 pm
Oops, I meant “Sooo what? My Tod-lar isn’t good enough for you?” Yes, I did see Bah-bie. And thankfully she does have her father’s good looks.
Comment by MIM — May 27, 2006 @ 10:13 pm
Very clever post, and good food for thought. I’m trying to block any images of school, puberty, boyfriends and marriage myself, in hopes she’ll stay the way she is forever, but I suppose I should start getting in good with Tod-lar and Lil Dubya myself. Unless Bri can play cribbage with a potential father-in-law, in which case you’re all welcome over for dinner Saturday.
Comment by CroutonBoy — May 30, 2006 @ 1:27 pm
It would be an honor to have my son as a potential candidate to be a part of the Child’s Play Empire. By that time Child’s Play will have been on Nasdaq for ten years and have a market value that makes Google look like a little coffee shop. Since we are planning our childrens future I will also do a pre-emptive strike and submit our unborn baby girl as a canditate. She will come along in early August if everything goes well so I will let her know on day one that she has a potential date with JT:-) Doubledate?
You will have to practice some important Swedish skills before we do meet up. Ice fishing, drinking Vodka in the sauna, a love of Grandma’smeatballs, and be able to stare at gorgeous half naked blond women is of course required. And puleeeezzzeeee, we use 27 gears on our mountain bikes….
Thanks for the honor
AD
Comment by AdventureDad — May 30, 2006 @ 11:23 pm