Today.

Today was one of those days.

Today was a day that no mere mortal should have to endure. No, if a living being is going to be left with two-year-old twins for more than a few hours, then they surely need some sort of super power, like a magic mute button or an instant time-out machine.

I’m not sure that I have the ability to accurately describe the never-ending brain drain we faced today. Instead, I will pull snippets of conversation that actually occurred today in an attempt to convey the chaos that two-year-old twins can create.

“Why are you crying?”
“Stop screaming. You’re being too loud.”
“I’m just going upstairs.”
“I’ll be right back.”
“Wait here.”
“No, stay here.”
“Okay, come up.”
“Give that back to your sister.”
“Say you’re sorry.”
“Don’t hit your sister!”
“Time Out!”
“Why are you crying?”
“Listen to Daddy.”
“Stop that!”
“I’m sorry but the kitty is frightened by your screaming.”
“Don’t eat that! That’s yucky.”
“Where’s your owie?”
“Listen to Daddy.”
“Time Out!”
“No, you’re not done with Time Out.”
“Don’t hit your sister.”
“Okay, I’ll kiss your owie.”
“Time for nap!”
“Yes, it IS time for nap.”
“Oh. My. Lord. What are we feeding you?”
“You want more oranges too, Swee’Pea?”
“Swee’Pea, you just said you didn’t want more oranges.”
“Stop screaming.”
“Monk, that’s not yours. Give it back.”
“Don’t hit Daddy’s computer.”
“Don’t hit Daddy!”
“Time Out!”
“Say you’re sorry!”
“Don’t touch that!”
“It’s time for sleep, Monk.”
“No, you can’t go downstairs. It’s nap time.”
“Stop your crying and go to sleep.”
“Monk… What are you doing?”
“Don’t make a mess with the beans.”
“You said you would make only a little mess!”
“That’s a big mess.”
“I already gave you ice water.”
“You spilled the last water so this one is in a sippy cup.”
“I’m sorry you’re upset but you have to use the sippy cup right now.”
“Listen to Daddy.”
“Time Out!”
“Swee’Pea, Daddy will tell Monk when it’s time for a time out.”
“Can you please share your train?”
“And he dumps out all the balls!”
“No, you can’t come up. Daddy’s eating.”
“I’m sorry you’re upset but you already ate lunch.”
“I’d like for you to stop your whining, please.”
“Oh, that screaming is loud.”
“Yes, I guess it helps when you put your fingers in your ears and scream.”
“Look up when we rinse your hair!”
“Look up! Look up! LOOK UP!”
“Okay, Almost Done!”
“Okay, Monk. Look UP when we rinse your hair!”
“Look up! Look up! LOOK UP!”
“Okay, We’re all done washing our hair!”
“You already had water. It’s time for bed.”
“Yes, it’s time to go to sleep.”
“Okay, you can take your ball to bed.”
“Don’t tell your mother.”
“You want to pet Kitty?”
“Okay, I’ll go get Kitty for a goodnight kiss.”
“Okay, now good night my little angels.”
“Daddy loves you.”
“Whew!”