Another thing they don’t tell you about fatherhood
I stand facing the bowl. Feet slightly more than shoulder-width apart. Knees slightly bent. Head down.
This is something I have done for approximately the past 34 years of my life. I am so good that I could probably go pro. I can do it (and have done so, I suppose) with my eyes closed. But in all my years, most of the time doing this has been in solitude.
Not today.
In an effort to encourage the potty training, the books recommend that you allow your kids to see you use the facilities. This, along with cartoon patterned underwear, stickers, m&ms, and a crisp $20, is supposed to entice the little one to forgo diapers and switch to the porcelain goddess.
So there I stand. In the aforementioned “stance” with four little eyes staring intently at the intended target, waiting for some action. I am momentarily frozen with stage fright as I feel the urge to go start to wane. I refocus, however, and release the stream.
Immediately Swee’Pea and TheMonk squeal with excitement at the event that is unfolding. It has been a while since I have drank any fluids and what I am producing isn’t exactly clear. In fact, the exact color becomes a source of debate. At first, they seem to agree on the color. “LOOK, IT’S YELLOW!!!” they scream. But then, TheMonk has second thoughts.
“No, it’s not yellow. It’s orange.” He says matter-of-factly.
“No, Monk.” responds Swee’Pea, “It’s yellow. It’s YELLOW!”
No, Swee’Pea.” TheMonk retorts. “IT. IS. ORANGE!!!”
This goes back and forth as I quickly finish up. I wash my hands and walk out the door. As I walk down the hall towards their bedroom I can hear them in the bathroom, continuing the debate.
“Orange!”
“Yellow!”
*Sigh* Can’t we just leave them in diapers until they go to college?
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You did this in front of Swee’Pea?? Shouldn’t she be watching Mommy?
Still, it IS very funny.
Comment by Deanna — May 29, 2008 @ 12:10 am
Potty training and teaching them to drive are 2 of the most liberating milestones in parenting. In my case, they were the most liberating. Oh and it’s been nearly 35 years, you were trained by 2 years and 3 months.
Comment by Grandmother — May 29, 2008 @ 12:12 am
Careful here. They can get so into observing that I’ve had a face break the stream. Yeah. You read that right. I needed to put down some “Do Not Cross” tape.
Comment by Black Hockey Jesus — May 29, 2008 @ 4:37 am
It could have been much worse. I’ve heard rumors of kids that like to try to stop the stream.
Comment by Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah — May 29, 2008 @ 5:39 am
Oh, I love it. This is why I can’t wait for my son to get here!
Comment by PA — May 29, 2008 @ 6:52 am
That is so funny! And then when they are doing well with pottying, you get to teach them about PRIVACY and how mommy/daddy don’t always need an audience. THAT is another hard one, lemme tell ya!!!
Comment by K and J's mom — May 29, 2008 @ 8:48 am
orange pee? i worry for you a wee bit.
ahahahah!
Comment by ali — May 29, 2008 @ 9:55 am
You are clearly seeing the glass half empty (note: I did not mention what the glass was filled with).
You could easily make this a dual-teaching opportunity. You could teach them to use the bathroom and introduce them to an entire spectrum of colors!
“Yellow!”
“Orange!”
“No no, that’s traditional Chartreuse!”
“NO ELECTRIC LEMON!”
“STUPID! LIGHT KHAKI!”
“SAFFRON!”
“GOLDEN POPPY!”
(and so on)
NOTE: THESE ARE ALL REAL COLORS!
(http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Category:Shades_of_yellow)
Comment by Andre — May 29, 2008 @ 10:39 am
I’ll be waiting for the story of how Swee’Pea will try to
stand and pee. It WILL happen, you know. I promise.
Comment by Aunt Raina — May 29, 2008 @ 11:14 am
This is the reason why I don’t read parenting books…
Comment by Chris — May 29, 2008 @ 12:11 pm
o.m.g. laughed so hard at this one. i am gonna’ make tim do the honors at some point. btw: the face break comment made me laugh almost as hard. and to the first comment, um, both my boys watch me pee all the time, why different for daddy?
Comment by mamie — May 29, 2008 @ 6:04 pm
Next throw in some Cheerios and play Missle Command. That’ll get them potty trained.
Well maybe not Swee’Pea.
Comment by above average joe — May 29, 2008 @ 6:25 pm
So… did you flush? LoL
This was way too funny. The twitter made me laugh, but reading the whole story is so much better.
Comment by Julie — May 29, 2008 @ 7:14 pm
I don’t know who this “Grandmother” person is, if that is even her real name, but she is giving you one of the biggest lies of parenthood. Potty training is not liberating. I’d rather change a diaper than search frantically for a bathroom. I’d rather change a diaper than ask one thousand times a day “Do you have to go? Are you sure?”
The only good reason to potty train your child is to get your mother off your back. You should see my mother, she’s a real piece of work.
Oh and bragging rights. “Your child isn’t potty trained yet? Little Big Head was trained in 2 years 1 month 2 days and 7 minutes. He’s a real go getter my little Big Head. Your son is … special.”
Comment by Ben — May 30, 2008 @ 12:52 am
When my husband had our he-twin watch him “in the stance” for the first time, we happened to be in a hotel room. Post-parental pee, our son burst from the bathroom with arms overhead and yelled, “THAT’S FANTASTIC!”
(Needless to say, my husband felt it was more a commentary on his biological prowess as opposed to his aim…)
Enjoy (or at least keep your humor) during the dual potty training ride….
Comment by Cheryl — May 30, 2008 @ 3:45 pm
Just wait until you get to show them how to wipe!
Don’t waste too much effort or stress on toilet training. Seriously. They do it themselves when they are darn good and ready (I have three boys). Some do it by age 2, some not until after the 4th birthday (which really freaks out the grandmas), but they all go off to kindergarten in underpants!
Comment by Kila — May 30, 2008 @ 8:05 pm
Dude. Drink some water.
Comment by Memphislis — May 31, 2008 @ 12:35 pm
I always figured you for a sitting type.
Comment by Whit — May 31, 2008 @ 2:08 pm
Wait until it’s TheMonk’s turn to go. Just remove any bathroom mats, perhaps the shower curtain and anything else that can’t be wiped down easily. Good aim can take months- maybe years, of practice…
Comment by Lindsay Lebresco (Graco) — June 3, 2008 @ 6:03 am
Came over from Rattling the Kettle…
My Lil’bug is working on potty training. We had a terrible argument when she wanted to try it standing. So, yeah, I’m sure Swee’Pea will probably want to try it standing. Scout’s Kindergarten teacher introduced him to the boy’s facilities, he sat until then.
You can try leaving them in diapers until college but you might have to home-school.
Also, I’d be tryin’ to figure out how to send that Hawaiian souvenir back from whence it came. Not that I’m superstitious or anything. Just sayin’.
Comment by ladybughugs — June 27, 2008 @ 1:28 pm