I’m cheap and now I have moobs
When we first had the twins, being the cheap bastard that I am, I decided that I’d limit my Starbucks habit by preparing coffee at home. I even came up with my own poor mans mocha that I have continued to drink just about every day over the past three years.
This poor mans mocha consists of Instant Coffee, Hot Chocolate, Hot Water (duh) and some flavored syrup. It gives me my needed jolt of caffeine in the morning and, considering I can make about 50 of these for the same price of four Starbucks mochas, the savings appeals to my cheap ways.
But here’s the thing. Today I came across a study that shows that Instant Coffee has a very high concentration of a chemical called phytoestrogen. This chemical, apparently, is what teenage girls dream of. You see, this chemical makes boobs. And the worst part is it doesn’t care if you’re a man or woman.
So, while all this time I’ve been working out, hitting the weights, trying to turn my pecs into hard, chiseled, mounds of eye candy by religiously attending the gym, I’ve been undermining my efforts by ingesting large amounts of boob maker!
They say you get what you pay for and apparently I’ve been paying for a boob job over the past three years! I’ve got man boobs! I’ve got moobs! (Granted, they are not even A cup moobs. They’re training bra moobs. They’re petite moobs. Very small. Not Playboy material at all.)
As far as I can see there’s only one solution to this boob producing problem.
Starbucks, here I come! Save me from my moobs!
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I’m mad at Starbucks right now. They are no longer making decaf frappucinos.
What’s a girl to do???
Comment by Deanna — September 18, 2008 @ 7:55 am
Well since I’m the Starbuck’s expert I will tell you that maybe for Christmas you could convince the wife to buy you a cappuccino machine… I would go with the serena if I were you, best bang for your buck & sexy looking… then they sell the mocha mix there as well, or you could just use the regular hot chocolate that you have now. It will be more expensive upfront but over three years you will have saved…
Oh and decaf frapps have been discontinued because like maybe 1 person will by them a day if your lucky! They will probably bring them back next July though, they usually do for the summer months.
Comment by Loving Danger — September 18, 2008 @ 8:15 am
Rawr. I’ve got a thing for moobs. What would it take for me to entice you to post a shot of your pretty moobs?
You know, in the interest of sharing and science and all that…wink.
(Dear GAWD…I just totally asked you to show me your boobs. I must be possessed.)
I’ll just slink off now. I have to go to the store to buy some of that instant coffee. It’s cheaper than a boob job.
Comment by Redneck Mommy — September 18, 2008 @ 8:18 am
LOL! You realize, of course, that now you’re going to get a spike in traffic from people googling the words “cheap” and “boobs”?
Comment by Andi — September 18, 2008 @ 8:27 am
Dear God Man! Instant coffee? Do you want the terrorists to win?
Grind your beans, use a French Press, everything will be as it should.
Comment by Whit — September 18, 2008 @ 10:12 am
You owe me a piece of gum. Because I swallowed a brand new piece when I read this post. AUGHHHH HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA Just think, if you guys have more babies, you can help with the late night feedings!
Comment by Memphislis — September 18, 2008 @ 10:56 am
I’ve got moobs too!! Yet I don’t drink much coffee…you think they’re putting that chemical in cinnamon rolls? I eat two a day and my moobs are getting bigger all the time! I knew it had to be something besides that whole “not getting any exercise” thing.
Comment by Charlie — September 18, 2008 @ 11:56 am
I’m pretty sure this is something that a lot of adult women dream of too, including a certain ex-breastfeeding mother *ahem*
you totally gave me a reason not to go to Starbucks. Is there a particular brand I should be purchasing?
Comment by MissB — September 18, 2008 @ 12:05 pm
You should consider drinking organic coffee. Pesticides are also endocrine disruptors that your body interprets as estrogen — definitely not good for those trying to avoid moobs. I, on the other hand, should probably be drinking way more instant coffee
Comment by Izzy — September 18, 2008 @ 12:43 pm
You got instant boobs? Do you know how big of a marketing gold mine you are sitting on? Quit shopping for bras and draw up a plan. Oh, and I want in on it.
Comment by James — September 18, 2008 @ 1:22 pm
by the way, playboy boobs don’t come from phytoestrogen. no matter how much instant coffee you consume.
Comment by betty — September 18, 2008 @ 1:44 pm
Its time for Matthew to wear a manzier..
Comment by archana — September 18, 2008 @ 3:59 pm
I wont go to Starbuck’s but I have to at least make decent coffee at home.
Comment by above average joe — September 18, 2008 @ 6:14 pm
OMG, you so deserve a kickback on the surge in sales that instant coffee is going to have in sales from 10-16 year old girls! Dude, if I’d known that I’d have drunk nothing BUT instant coffee from the time I got my first spark of a boob.
Comment by Anissa@Hope4Peyton — September 18, 2008 @ 7:59 pm
AND…does anyone remember the “Bro” from Seinfeld? I’m so getting you one for Christmas!
Comment by Anissa@Hope4Peyton — September 18, 2008 @ 8:00 pm
MOOBS! I love it! Oh my gosh! I love that you gave me the biggest LOL moment at work today. So thank you! Oh, and enjoy your Starbucks!
Comment by Equipoise — September 18, 2008 @ 9:28 pm
Sorry about those moobs.
I make DrillSgt. coffee at home every morning since Da’Gorgeouses arrived. Even though it isn’t Starbucks, it is freshly ground, way cheaper AND after 2+ years I’ve perfected my combination (a tremendous task since I don’t drink coffee). DrillSgt. swears my mom’s coffee beats Starbucks any day!
Hugs & Blessings!
Comment by MamáChanga — September 18, 2008 @ 11:14 pm
You are just trying to find a reason/excuse to throw away money at Starbucks…what would it be $20 a day? That’s more than $7k per year. Stick to your cheap ways, otherwise TheMonk and Swee’Pea will catch on and start wanting Starbucks too. Just imagine what that yearly bill would become.
Comment by selftraining — September 19, 2008 @ 3:12 am
My husband was spending a ton of money at the local coffee shop about 2 yrs ago. I bought a coffee machine and some good coffee (We like Boca Java) and perfected my own mocha here at the house.
Buy a good coffee machine and some good coffee… it may be a more expensive up front cost, but will save you money in the long run.
Oh, and I was thinking of the “Bro” from Seinfeld as well while reading this. LoL
Comment by Julie — September 19, 2008 @ 8:04 am
You don’t get moobs if you switch to the new phytotestosterone-rich brew at Starbucks. It’s only $7 for a tall, but it makes other things grow.
PS: The security word required for me to post this comment was RHINOS. THAT’S where they get the phytotestosterone.
PPS: I’m not drinkin’ coffee right now.
Comment by dadorbust — September 19, 2008 @ 3:11 pm
Ok, moobs, I get it. I even knew what it was, it was baby brain.
Here’s my cheaper mocha. We buy Starbucks Espresso at Target and make it in the morning. I also buy Organic chocolate milk. I have an espresso machine and it will make the milk all foamy. Instant mocha. Probably costs a third of what we’d spend in a week if we both went to Starbucks every day.
In LA I bought coffee everyday, but here I have more time in the mornings, so I just make it.
Comment by Issa — September 23, 2008 @ 2:34 pm