Dear Renee,

I hear it’s your birthday and some of your friends are getting together to throw you a virtual birthday party. And I know I only just met you at BlogHer and while I’m pretty sure we were once sprawled on the same bed in a hotel room*, I thought you were pretty cool. And I never miss a good party.

So, I volunteered to bring the pinata. But not just any pinata. This pinata was bought for my daughter by her evil Grandmother who wanted to ship it off to our home after a visit last year. See for yourself the pinata in all its glory:

As you can see, it’s a Hello Kitty pinata. It’s pretty. It has a cute little pink shirt and a cute little pink bow and cute little whiskers. Take a moment to bask in it’s cuteness. Perhaps Hello Kitty brings back certain memories for you. An old backpack, a pencil case with a built-in pencil sharpener or little erasers that smell like bubble gum. Or maybe it means nothing to you. That’s the trouble with surprise parties, you do the best you can with what you’ve got.

Anyway, it’s so cute. Just imagine it at your party. Hear the laughter of friends and family drifting into the air. You can smell the barbecue and the feel the warmth of early fall sunshine fall upon your serene face. All is right with the world. It is then that you casually walk over to Hello Kitty, pick up the baseball bat nestled up against the tree and…

BEAT THE LIVING CRAP OUT OF IT!!!! OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN!!! KNOCKING HER FRICKIN’ HEAD INTO A PULP!!! YOU SWING MERCILESSLY AND THAT STUPID PINK BOW COMES LOOSE AND FLOATS INTO THE AIR WHILE YOU CONTINUE TO BEAT THAT DAMN KITTY WELL AFTER THE MOMENT WHEN THE CANDY COMES FLYING OUT!!!! THE KITTY CONTINUES TO SWAY VIOLENTLY AS YOU KNOCK EVERY RECOGNIZABLE PART OF THAT KITTY TO TIMBUKTU!!!

And just like that, you nestle the bat back against the tree and smile knowing that no one at that party, after witnessing your violent assault on Hello Kitty, will EVER even think of messing with you or your family.

Have a Happy Birthday, Renee! You deserve it!

To be clear, the sharing of a bed isn’t nearly as fun as it sounds when half a dozen other people are sprawled around the room as we try and coordinate our party itinerary for the evening.