After months of research, both scientific and anecdotal, I have come across a distinct pattern in parents - if not worldwide, at least in North America. For some reason, I couldn’t find a scientific journal that was willing to accept this finding (something about my methodology being fundamentally flawed). So, I have decided to launch my findings on Childsplayx2.com.

Keeping our Children Safe From Bacteria and Disease - The Real Story

Phase I - Parents sanitize everything. Bottles, binkies, nipples - you name it, it’s either boiled, microwaved or sanitized in the dishwasher. Sometimes with unintended results.

Phase II - Sanitizing becomes a little lax. The little steamer bag that comes with Medela products still has a few good uses left in it but it sits on the counter in the kitchen, taunting you every time you pass by, leaving you as guilt-ridden as a Mexican mother. In an effort to keep up the pretense of sanitizing, anti-bacterial wipes make an appearance around the house. One parent uses them religiously, the other, well, not so much.

Phase III - Bottles are only washed in warm soapy water. Binkies never get washed except when they fall in the bathtub by accident. Every once in a while a parent will say, “Hey, we should really sanitize all the baby stuff.” The other nods and then they go back to watching American Idol.

Phase IV - Binkies fall on the floor and the parent will pick it up, put it in his/her own mouth to “get rid of the germs” and then hand it back to the kid. The kid doesn’t die. Hmmmmm. Interesting.

Phase V - The first utterance of the phrase “Five-Second Rule!” appears. Perhaps a quick wipe on the pants will suffice before popping the binky back in the kid’s mouth.

Phase VI - Parents watch as kid picks up binky or any other thing that looks like it might look good in it’s mouth like cat food, days-old cheerios, and daddy’s sweat socks. The parents might say something like, “Sweetie, don’t put that in your mouth.” while they casually glance up from the morning paper - but more often than not, they just *sigh*.

Phase VII - Parents actually start giving their kids disgusting things to put in their mouths - like fruit gushers and Trix Yogurt.

After that, it’s all down hill. French fries become the only vegetable the kids eat. A Big Mac is the closest a kid comes to the four basic food groups. And our children die a slow, albeit delicious, death.

But, hey, at least we sanitized those binkies.

To my little Swee’ Pea,

You are growing up before my eyes little girl. You are just short of eight months and I am blown away by how in love with you I am. You see, I have always wanted you. For as long as I can remember, I always pictured myself having a daughter. I’m not sure why, but I have dreamed about you for such a long time. In fact, even your name has meaning to me. Long before I met your mother, I knew I wanted a little Brianna. Your name, to me, sounds so beautiful to say. And it’s more fitting than I ever imagined, for you are the most beautiful little girl I have ever seen.

It has become very apparent that we have already bonded in a profound way. In fact, your mother gets annoyed that I’m around when you’re breast feeding only because you’d much rather look at me and smile than eat. I try to make myself scarce during those times but I secretly love it. Your smile melts my heart and I cherish every time you smile in my direction.

You’ve started to give hugs lately Bri. In fact, just the other day, I picked you up to bring you downstairs and you wrapped your little arms around my head and you held me there. We embraced, cheek-to-cheek, for what seemed like a long time, but was really only a few seconds. The tenderness of the moment caught me off guard and actually brought tears to my eyes. I hope I never forget that hug.

You like to dance my little jitterbug. You seem to have a natural rhythm that allows you to sway your shoulders and head back and forth to an imaginary beat. Many times, you’ll look at me and if I start rocking my head back and forth, you’ll follow suit. You love to listen to music and any toy that has music has become a favorite of yours. If you ever want to get into show business, you should do well. You have the makings of a “triple threat” - Singing, Dancing, and Cuteness - that could take you far. Of course, you could do none of those things and I’d love you just as much.

You are my little girl. You’ll always be my little girl. While you are growing so much, I will always remember that little girl who likes to sit on my lap or giggles when I give her “butterfly kisses” or lights up when she sees me. My fear, is that as you get older, that we’ll lose the closeness that we have developed since you were born. I hope not, little one. I know that daddies and daughters often grow apart as little girls blossom into grown women but I can honestly say that I will always strive to be there for you - in whatever way you need me. I know I will not be able to provide you things that your mother can give you, but that’s okay. I also know that I will be here for you unconditionally. Always.

I dream about your future and my role in it. I see myself as a support. Encouraging you to follow your dreams. I see music recitals and sporting events. I see quiet moments where just you and I get to know each other in a whole new way. I see you growing older and more independent. I see you being an incredibly warm and loving woman - just like your mother.

I am your Daddy. It’s taken some time for that to sink in but I don’t take that role lightly. I hope that, one day, as you read this, you’ll understand how much I love you and how much I want your life to be filled with blessings and love. Your spirit lights my darkness, baby Bri. Your love gives me strength. You deserve the best this life has to offer. I hope that I can in many, many ways, provide some of that for you.

Love,

Your Daddy.

A while back, Dutch wrote at length about the best “tag teams” in the history of the WWF (I’m sorry, but I’m old school and I’ll never call it the WWE).

While I can’t argue with the likes of the Killer Bees and Hulk Hogan and Randy “Macho Man” Savage, I’d like to propose another great tag team in the making: JT and Bri.

In fact, yesterday they had a match of the ages, as described in the following news clip…

SAN DIEGO, Calif. - It was a battle of the ages. One that had been brewing for the past 7 and a half months. While the well-established tag team duo of Mommy and Daddy felt confident in their ability to take on any and all challengers, the newly established team of JT and Bri quietly plotted their triumphant debut in the ring.

While the unsuspecting Mommy/Daddy team were blissfully sleeping, JT and Bri had all-night planning sessions on how to bring down the formidable duo. When the much-anticipated match-up finally occurred yesterday afternoon, those who had ring-side seats would never forget the day JT and Bri flexed their collective muscle.

Their plan was simple yet brilliant in its execution. While one of the twins would distract Mommy with their cuteness, and playfully coo and laugh while Mommy played, the other would attack Daddy with a ferocity not yet seen in the Childsplayx2 household. In round One, JT played quietly with Mommy while Bri rough-housed with Daddy on the floor. Bri soon showed that the team of JT and Bri were ready to challenge for the title by distracting Daddy with a cute smile and then delivering a massive head butt to the nose. Daddy staggered back, eyes watering and he glanced up at his tag team partner Mommy, hoping to tag out to regain his composure.

Unfortunately for him, JT was busy keeping Mommy preoccupied and she did not see Daddy’s attempt to tag out. Daddy sneezed a couple of times - a result of his still-smarting blow to the nose. Bri, smiled at Daddy as if to entice him to engage her once again. The trick worked and Daddy came at Bri. They danced around the room until, once again Bri sensed Daddy was vulnerable. She deliverd another ferocious head butt, this time to the lip, causing Daddy to reel once again. As Daddy checked his lower lip for blood, he could feel it swelling considerably. Surely, he thought, Bri must be hurt too. He glaced at her but her smile showed that she wasn’t hurting at all. Daddy, sensing he was in trouble, attempted to tag out once again.

This time he was able to get Mommy’s attention. However, Bri with a cat-like quickness, tagged JT first and before he knew it, JT was engaging Daddy in rough house as well. Daddy, sensing he had to come with his “A” game in order to survive this surprising challenge came charging at JT as he lay on the floor. JT was not impressed, however, and maneuvered to deliver a quick but decisive blow to Daddy’s head with his powerful legs. His massive mallet-like feet came thumping down with a quick “One-Two” to the head and Daddy went down for the count.

Pandemonium erupted as Daddy was declared out! Mommy and Daddy didn’t know what hit them. Shrieks of glee were echoing through the house while Daddy lay on the floor dazed and confused.

JT and Bri’s celebration was short-lived however, as Mommy filed a protest with the commissioner. The commissioner sentenced JT and Bri to a nap while Mommy and Daddy had time to recuperate. Foiled by the sly maneuverings of Mommy and Daddy, JT and Bri took their nap in protest - continually crying out. Mommy and Daddy were undeterred, however, and JT and Bri finally accepted that they would have to fight another day.

While the outcome wasn’t quite what JT and Bri were hoping for, they have certainly established themselves as a force to be reckoned with. Mommy and Daddy now know they cannot take these well-coordinated foes lightly. It is certain this will be a great rivalry, pitting age and experience against youthful guile, for years to come.

Driving 101:

If you are in Stop-and-Go traffic on a very busy highway, please be aware that the “STOP” in “Stop-and-Go” is VERY important.

Also, if you are carrying a ladder on your truck, it’s probably a good idea to make sure the ladder is, oh, I don’t know… secured in some way? In fact, I’m pretty sure they make things that do just that. If that’s too much trouble, then an old tube sock or even a shoelace might be better than just hoping the damn thing doesn’t come flying off causing all of us not-yet-fully-caffeinated drivers behind you to swerve all over the damn road.

The coffee bean’s a vegetable, right?

If your spouse has you on a strict budget and in that budget there isn’t quite the amount of money set aside for a daily tasty Starbucks beverage, can I count it as a grocery item if I purchase my coffee at the little stand in the grocery store? I mean, it’s right next to the produce section.

Blog Superstar

I have a cousin who is pretty darn good at this blogging thing. She also happens to be pretty good friends with the Mother of all bloggers, dooce. So, it’s really weird to take my daily visit to dooce and see my beautiful cousin smilin’ back. (By the way, Maggie is one of my top-five favorite people of all time - way ahead of Rachel Ray)

Bloggers Are So Frickin’ Generous

I have had three people donate to my YMCA that I met through the blogging community in the past day. I am amazed and humbled. Thank you. (and, you know, it’s not too late for you too…)

Some of you may know that I work for the YMCA. The Y is a wonderful organization that teaches kids across the world core values such as Caring, Honesty, Respect and Responsibility.

The YMCA I work at, the Copley Family YMCA in San Diego, is an urban YMCA that serves a largely low-income community. Ninety percent of the youth and families that walk through our doors qualify for financial assistance. And, because we never want to turn anyone away due to an inability to pay, we try our hardest to make the YMCA experience they need a reality. I cannot tell you how many times I have helped a single mother looking for affordable childcare so she can continue to provide for her children, look at me with tears in her eyes and thank me. I feel so humble in those moments. I cannot truly know what this woman is going through, but it makes me feel good to help someone in need.

The financial assistance we provide is substantial. Tens of thousands of dollars are given out in scholarships each year at our YMCA. To make that happen, we rely on the generosity of those more fortunate to help us reach our goal of serving everyone. Each February we have our annual fundraising drive where members and volunteers tell the YMCA story and ask for a donation. Today, I am asking you, dear reader, to consider contributing to the Copley Family YMCA. Your donation is 100% tax deductible and would help so many children have a safe place to be while their parents work. It might help one more youth learn how to swim. It might provide a child a camp experience that otherwise would never be able to do so. Or it might provide an elderly lady a chance to stay fit in our water aerobic classes while, at the same time, keep socially active at a time when many seniors become isolated.

I have nothing to give you but this… If you donate any amount of money to the Copley Family YMCA, I will include you on my Blogroll of the Month on the right. That’s all I got. However, you’ll be getting a lot more in return, I promise. I sent out a letter of appeal to friends and family yesterday and one prominent blogger has already pledged $100. I didn’t ask him if I could announce it so he’ll have to remain anonymous for now. I was floored by his generosity and I hope you might be willing to consider a similar donation.

You can give in a number of ways. The first, is you can go to the YMCA of San Diego County’s website and make your donation online. Please make sure to choose the Copley Family YMCA when you donate. If you choose to do this, please email me to let me know you did so, so I can personally thank you.

You can also pay by check or credit card on a monthly, quarterly or all-at-once basis. You can either make your pledge in the comments below (and I’ll contact you via your email address for more information) or you can email me offline and I’ll give you more information. My email address is childsplayx2@gmail.com.

Thank you for considering this request. And if you cannot give to the Copley Family YMCA, I ask that you consider visiting your local YMCA and getting you and your family involved.

Thank you.

It’s early morning and I have been given a special treat. You both have chosen to sleep in. I have almost forgotten what it was like to wake up on my own. I stir awake and glance at the clock. It’s not quite 6:00 a.m. I lie there, thinking of you when I hear one of you start to stir.

I get up and glide down the hall towards your room. The sun is still minutes away from rising in the east and it’s dark. I head into your room to see which one of you is awake. We still have about 10 minutes before it’s time to get up and my hope is I can scoop up whoever’s awake and spend some one-on-one time before we have to all get up and get ready for our day.

Today, it’s JT who’s decided to wake up. You have turned over, as you have been doing most nights for the past few weeks, and you are on your belly. You don’t see me coming and, before you know it, I’ve scooped you up and we make our way out of the room. We settle into the chaise lounge in the loft and I pull a blanket up around us. I lie on my back and place you on my belly. You look up at me, binky still in your mouth, and we make eye contact in the early morning darkness. You smile as you recognize it’s me you’re with. I smile back and sneak a quick kiss on your chubby cheek. You snuggle your head into my face and we embrace for a few seconds. You lie still with only your fingers lightly scraping my forearm as you play with the hair on my arms. Soon enough, you lift your head and we look at each other again.

“Good morning, Chunky Monk,” I say. As the silence is broken, you smile again and make a low gutteral sound as you reach out with your hand to touch my face. Your little hands dance across my cheeks, nose and into my mouth. I playfully bite your finger. I then suck your finger into my mouth as you giggle at the sensation. I then roll you onto your side and we continue to look at each other. I am struck by how different you look today. Older? Yes. But it’s something else too and I can’t quite put my finger on it. I don’t dwell on it, however. Instead I continue to gaze at you as you again explore my face with your little fingers.

Again, I steal another kiss. I hold you close and I can smell your skin. I inhale deeply as I realize these days will come to an end. I try not to think about the day you won’t want to snuggle with your Daddy. It’s coming, I know. But it’s not today and we both seem content to just lie in the warmth of the blanket and talk to each other. “I love you my little man.” I tell you. By now your binky has dropped from your mouth. At times, this would cause great distress but you don’t seem to care right now. Instead, you lean forward once again. I’m not sure what you’re doing until I see your open mouth approach my face. I turn slightly, giving you access to my cheek. Sure enough, you plant a big, wet kiss on my cheek. As you pull away, we make eye contact and we both smile. You seem proud of your newfound ability to kiss. My chest feels like it will burst with love, joy, and pride all mixed into one.

As I look at you I cannot believe that I’m your father and that you are my son. Words cannot describe the love I feel for you at this moment as I watch you play on my belly. I kiss the top of your head as you rest it on my chest and I close my eyes and cherish the moment. I try really hard to burn this memory into my brain. I never want to forget what it feels like to hold you close, on a cold winter’s morning, just the two of us. In the darkness I am reminded of how powerful love between a parent and child can be.

Suddenly, we both hear your sister stirring in her crib. It’s time to get up and start our day. I carry you into the bedroom and we say good morning to Bri as she looks up at us from her crib. Her bright smile fills the room and I am reminded, once again, how truly lucky I am. I sigh a contented sigh and begin the routine of getting you both ready.

It’s going to be a great day.

(Pssssst. Psssssst.)

Two weeks until Valentine’s day.

Just thought you might like to know.

Now that I have your attention, let me explain.

First, sorry guys, but you ain’t gettin’ my wife. But, if you and your spouse are looking for a little adventure and you don’t mind a national television audience watching, you could be the ideal candidate for Wife Swap.

I get a handful of unsolicited emails in connection with this blog. But when I received an email from Danielle, the Casting Producer of Wife Swap, I was a bit surprised. I mean, people with interesting jobs actually read my blog? At least one of my thirteen readers apparently does and she had a thought… Do I know of anyone who might be interested in being on Wife Swap (which airs Monday nights on ABC)? Here’s the pitch, in Danielle’s words…

In case you’re not familiar with the show’s format, “Wife Swap” is the
family show where two moms switch homes, and live life in the shoes of
another woman for six days. Each family must have at least one child who
falls between the ages of roughly 5 and 20.

“Wife Swap” is an experience that is savored by moms looking to get a taste
of another family, to broaden her horizons, and to appreciate her family
more upon return. Families that appear on “Wife Swap” receive $20,000.

As you can see, Andrea and I don’t qualify. Our kids aren’t in the age range she’s looking for. But you might be the perfect fit. She’s looking specifically for, “families with metrosexual dads, families with specific parental philosophies, and parents with stay-at-home-dads” for upcoming episodes.

So, what’s in it for me? Well, if one of you contacts me and let’s me know you’re interested and then you actually get chosen for the show, I get $1,000. Hey, do you know how many t-shirts I’d have to sell to make a $1,000?! So, if you’re interested, give me a holla and I’ll hook you up with the lovely Danielle.

Now get Swappin’!

We have reached a new milestone in the Childsplayx2 household.

Last night, we had a family friend over to meet the twins for the first time. “Aunt” Patrice is a vibrant older woman who lives locally and has been a great support for Andrea and I as we acclimated to a new city over the past few years. We don’t see each other very often, but when we do, it’s always a pleasure.

However, I’m not sure the babies feel that way.

I happened to be holding Bri as I saw Aunt Patrice approach the house. I arrived at the door at the same time as Patrice did and I promptly opened the door. Aunt Patrice smiled brightly and looked Bri right in the eye with a big “Hello!”

Bri began to scream. AAAAAAAHHHHH! She buried her face into my neck and continued to scream. Every now and then she would calm down enough to turn and look at Patrice. Then she would start screaming again.

About this time, Andrea arrived with JT in her arms. Again, Patrice smiled. Again, a baby screamed. This time JT wailed a broken staccato cry that I have never heard before. He was obviously terrified. His face showed a look of fear while his little hands clung to Andrea’s shirt. He looked at me as I tried to comfort him. He was having none of it.

Finally, we managed to calm them down and we fed them as the adults caught up on the past seven months. Eventually, JT warmed up to Patrice and, after a few aborted attempts, allowed Patrice to hold him.

Bri, on the other hand, kept right on giving Patrice the “stank eye” that she reserves for people she’s not sure about. I’ve only seen it a few times (okay, I’ve seen it plenty of times - let’s just say some of these things have to be genetic) but this time was not as severe. Poor Patrice. She never did get to hold Bri.

So, stranger anxiety is alive and well here in our household. Another friend is coming by today so we’ll see how that goes.

Someone tell Grandmother she’s in for a surprise the next time she visits.

JT now knows how to kiss.

And it’s not just any kiss. It’s a Hoover-like vacuum kiss that does not bode well for some teenage girl in, oh, 2020 or so.

There is plenty of blame to go around. I plant my fair share of kisses on his chubby cheeks. So does his mother. However, whenever Grandmother visits, his cheeks are chafed for weeks afterwards! So, I’m blaming her.